Everybody poops, even women. Fancy that. Anyway in the spirit of best toilet humour Mr 6 can muster: what did the poop say to the pee? It's simple, move over! Urine my way!

Sorry, all my toilet jokes are pretty shitty and this post is full of them.

Yes, welcome fellow readers to a blog post about toilets. People always ask this question when they learn that I'm traveling around Australia fulltime in a van and answering the question on repeat gets old.

Whilst I have a toilet in the van I rarely use it because there are toilets (and showers) everywhere in Australia and toilets can be found by searching for toilets on Google Maps or by heading to your 24/7 gym, local aquatic centre, restaurant, shopping mall or other public infrastructure.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

If you are building out a van I highly recommend you invest in getting a toilet, especially if you travel with small children. Nothing beats the feeling of not having to do peak summer toilet runs in the heat to a smelly long drop or being able to lock up the van from the inside at night and enabling your kids to self-service instead of waking you up.

Additionally, some of the best spots to camp (or rest up at) in Australia are only available to vans that are self-contained.

compositing toilets

I have a cat litter box for humans and you should choose this path if you are building out your own van. There's a gear stick on the side and it's as fun as changing gears in a car with a manual transmission. If miss 3 can do it then so can you!

Composting toilets do not smell because they keep the poo and wee separated. Poop goes in the back, liquids go in the front. Diarrhoea is a liquid so if that happens get yourself to a dump point immediately because mixing poop and wee is the worst thing you can do. See the section below on cassette toilets....

Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves…today was the tip of the iceberg

The piss jug can be emptied on the nearest tree at a state forest or at a dump point. The poop bucket can be donated to your local community garden or at a state forest. The compost mix needs to age for 3-6 months before it can be used on food crops.

cassette toilet

Cassette toilets are fully contained portable toilets that generally all work in the same similar fashion. They usually consist of a waste tank and a fresh tank, of varying sizes. You do your business in the bowl, then flush the water down into the waste tank. Most cassette toilets have a pull-door that opens the waste tank and use either a manual push pump or an electric push-button to flush.

The problem with cassette toilets is that shit and piss get literally blended together by driving down those bumpy roads and the resulting mixture is rank. Ugh, even thinking about the smell that one time I had to empty the cassette in another RV is enough to dry rench.

A Child asks his teacher to go to the toilet "before you go recite the alphabet" the teacher says a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z "good but wheres the p?" “running down my leg”

dump points

If you have a cassette toilet or need to empty the piss jug of your composting toilet a dump point is where you do it. Do not be that person who empties them in a public toilet, yick. Dump points are everywhere in Australia, even at Dubbo Zoo. Caravan parks will typically let you use these facilities free of charge

I got in touch with my inner self today, it’s the last time I use 1 ply toilet roll.

bury it

Find a spot that is at least 200 feet (that’s about 70 paces) from all water sources, trails or campsites. Use a trowel to dig a cathole 6-8 inches deep (about the length of the trowel blade) and 4-6 inches in diameter.

What did Spock encounter in the Enterprise toilet? – The Captain’s Log.

Anyway thanks for reading. This post is the third in the series. I'm blogging more and tweeting less so if you want to learn about sweet places to visit in Australia, working remotely from a van or how I get internet whilst camping out in a remote forest, like, subscribe (free) and enter your email address to be notified when future blog posts ship.