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feelings

loss

I would propose generally that the suffering of any breakup (or loss) is proportional to how much you depended on the other persons reflected view of you for your own idea of self. Getting past it is more of an exercise in self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, and self-improvement than simply knocking down the other to boost yourself up. If you identified as a partner, husband, father, boyfriend, etc. then the loss of that feels like a loss of self. But if the person in your life was just that: another person, in your life, then you can still miss them, but nothing intrinsic to who you are was lost. You are not broken, shattered, or harmed. In this context, suffering is the effect of a residual belief about the completeness of yourself, and has diminishingly little to do with the other person at all. Recovery is not “healing,” from a “wound,” rather, it is resetting your perspective and accepting who you are as self-originating - and not as reflected by another. Too often, Pascal’s maxim “to understand all is to forgive all,” is advice given without the necessary condition that you must apply it to yourself first - otherwise it’s just a recipe for obsessive thoughts. I would say to someone suffering from a broken heart, whatever it might entail, start with the desire to forgive yourself and whatever happens next, the journey alone is probably going to be worth it.

From https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=17728610